Joint custody, with shared parenting where children go back and forth between two parental households has been in vogue in the Unites States for a while. Most often it is the children that relocate to the other parent every few days or few weeks. This means the children have two homes, two bedrooms, two sets of belongings, two schedules, and two household routines to adjust to every few days or weeks.
Divorcing parents agree to these arrangements as a way of giving each parent fifty percent of their time with the children, an even-steven split. Court mediators and judges uphold and even push for these arrangements citing their “fairness” to each parent.
But, what about the children? How “fair” is this joint physical custody with constant relocating for them? After forty years of practice doing psychotherapy with these children and their parents I find these children suffer emotionally from these arrangements. First of all, they feel tremendous expectations are placed on them to please each parent and do what is expected. They feel pressured emotionally and are physically exhausted. Secondly, adjusting to two different parenting styles is arduous. When their parents were married usually only one of them ran the children’s schedules. With divorce, the children see more clearly how each parent operates on his/her own.
Most children convey to me a very disorganized, erratic existence with one parent and an organized, predictable experience with the other parent. They are thrown back and forth between these two extremes with each relocation. As a result they suffer anxiety, depression, academic failure and loss of self-esteem in trying to cope with being overwhelmed by meeting their parents’ needs for “equality.”
Only if a parent understands himself and has empathy for his/her child will he not undertake shared custody and pressure his children to meet his or her needs.
What has your experience been with shared physical custody? How well do your children cope? How did you cope if you experienced shared physical custody?
What’s your suggestion for maintaining relationships with both parents following a divorce? Nesting? Primary custody?
Such a great topic to dicusss. As a psychologist who works with families of divorce, and a lot of high conflict divorce, I see the issue as multifaceted and very complex.
Thank you for your comment and question. What I find works best for the child is for the more caregiving parent to have primary custody with the other noncustodial parent having regular visitation. By regular visitation I mean frequently but not rigidly the same time or days necessarily. The schedule for visitation should depend more on the child’s schedule and needs rather than the parents. This is a more child-focused approach. I see split and joint custody as more parent-centered, catering to parents wants and needs.
Dr Adam’s, how many case studies have proven this type of results? What were the parents like and how did the child react to only seeing the other parent every other week or whenever it was good for the child? As a father I was stripped of my kids and forced to only see them every other week. My kids hated it and suffered from lack of the other parent in their life. Because of that I suffered watching this happened and did no good for my kids. I am not I. Favor of this. I believe that both parents who while heartily love their kids should share equal time results look tung I joint custody.
Thank you for commenting. I am sorry you find your children have suffered.
I am currently in joint custody . i am the mother of a beautiful 2 year old daughter. I am worried about her everytime she coems from her biological fathers house she doesnt seem like herself shes jumpy. Shes seems sad most of the time not her happy self. If she does something she thinls she is wrong . shes confused but im worried that even though she is two years old i know it is taking a toll on her. What do you reccomend ?
Thank you for your question. I am sorry you find your daughter is suffering. I would suggest talking with her father about the situation and getting your daughter into counseling to find out what the problem is. Once that is figured out, you and her father can better decide what to do and who might need to be in some type of therapy or if a different type of custody arrangement would be helpful.
My daughter goes from my house one week to her dad’s the next week and so on. She has done this for 5 years. She will be 6 in September. She has had 5 different daycares, 3 different counselors, I am at my breaking point. I do not know what else to do. Dad does not care and refuses to see that there is an issue. Please help me, please can someone give me recommendations of any kind. I do not have money to go back to court, I have also been told because it is 50/50 they can’t do anything unless she is being sexually abused.
Thank you for commenting. If you have not had a Guardian ad Litem––an attorney––for your daughter, you might try and get one so she has her own representation in court. You do not say what difficulties your daughter is having. Perhaps a therapist with experience treating children who are in split custody would be able to help your daughter. Best of luck. These situations are difficult.
So true Recently a judge ordered 50/50 custody after I’ve been the primary care-giver for 3 years. My oldest daughter seems depressed began pulling out her hair youngest says she bites at her mom in defense. Social worker testified of the mothers physical abuse and coaching children and yet the court ordered 50/50?
I always take kids to their after school activities and the mom refuses to support chidren shes very parent based and paranoid judge unfortunately could not see the obvious my lawyer and I were in shock. Now children suffer..
Thanks for sharing your story about your children. I am sorry they are having difficulties. Unfortunately, 50-50 shared custody is a common court decision. My thought is to find a counselor or therapist who would work with you, your children and their mother to alleviate some of the distress.
As a single parent having to put my children through joint custody , I don’t recommend it. There has to be a better way. My children went through a living hell having to pack and unpack and having to deal with a father who never upheld pick up and drop off times. It got to the point of them choosing not wanting to see him for fear of him not bringing them back home when he should. He now is no longer in their lives and lives 2 miles away.
Thank you for commenting. Unfortunately the scenario you have mentioned happens a lot. And, that is why I do not recommend joint custody either. At some point most children also balk at the going back and forth.
For many of the divorcing parents we see, custody issues are ongoing and challenging. I agree that custody should be based on the needs of the children rather than those of the parent. And primary physical custody resting with one parent may be in the best interest of the child. In many cases, determining which parent should have primary physical custody can be tricky if both parents are equally available (or not). And children cannot be put in the position of choosing until they are much older. So frequently divorces are contentious and both parents have themselves believing they alone know what’s best for their child, thinking they are actually saving their child from the ill effects of the other parent. This dynamic takes on a life of its own with the child trapped, ping ponging between two parents who hate each other more than they can stay focused on the needs of their children.
Thank you for engaging in the conversation. I do not think primary physical custody should be decided on the availability of the parents, as you mention. I think it should be decided on the basis of which parent is best able to emotionally take care of the child and be the most nurturing. In my experience one parent displays these attributes and one does not. This is due to how people get married in the first place with opposite personality types most often finding each other appealing. I am just completing co-authoring a book on this, Living On Automatic: How Emotional Conditioning Shapes Our Lives and Relationships. I hope to have it published within the next year.
Yes. I agree with those that say forcing children into a back and forth custodial arrangement is not in the best interest of the children. Nor is brainwashing them that it is best for them. They need stability. Especially as they grow older. Going back and forth in constant motion ( a few days here and then a few days there or even week to week) is a ridiculous notion and an unstable way for children to live out their childhood. It only satisfies the selfish parent’s motivations, wants and desires and not the children’s needs. If a parent wants and demands a 50/50 custody split that marriage never should have happened unfortunately. Who brings children in this world together with the other parent and then splits up and then forces the life of the kids to be split? Plain selfishness and recklessness. Unfortunately, some judges think they do right by kids by splitting them up between their parents 50/50 but it is actually detrimental. (There are unethical and corrupt judges too though with sinister motivations.) I have witnessed my own children go down hill and down hill fast over the past few years ever since my ex obtained an increase in time to 50/50 with the two older of our three children and just under with the youngest. They are wonderful children but are stressed, depressed, performing mediocre for the oldest in school from performing stellar previously. My middle child is super intelligent but is losing his intrinsic motivation to perform outstanding as he always did before It’s a lack of desire to do well. Self esteem issues in all three. I’d like to also mention the divorce that occurred was a unilateral no fault forced divorce. I would never wish it upon my children but their father changed his mind and wanted to live a self centered focused different life. Also, it takes two incomes or the income of one equal to two to sustain a reasonable household. Money is also a motivation to obtain 50/50 for some parents because they get a reduction in what they have to pay or support the other household for in child support. That was the motivation of my ex although he said he wanted more time with the kids. I was primary parent for almost four years and the week he got remarried (a year after our divorce was final) he suddenly had a change of mind to want more time. Unfortunately, the particular judge who was assigned ( or personally picked by the unethical attorney of my ex) agreed. Another judge could have simply just given an additional overnight or extended weekend into Monday only. My children have suffered too many detrimental effects of divorce due to the selfish motivations of their father and a judge who enabled him to cause more harm to our kids with a back and forth equal split. Kids are not property nor should they be shared as such.
Thank you for sharing your viewpoint and story.
Wow I needed to hear this in particular your experience. Thank you . I honestly had no clue as this being my first child (14mo) that is splitting time From week to week would be so selfish of us :-(. Now back to the drawing board because where as I feel like the father is a great dad he also have a warped mentality when it comes to life and just how he does things which I know with my son being around him 24/7 can go into effect (bad habits) but he is the father. I’m torn because I feel guilty or like I’m letting go of my parental responsibilities by choosing to let my (SON) stay full time with his day which I mention loves and cares for his “mini me”. I also do believe a boy needs a man to show him how to be a man. Now I’m not saying I couldn’t do a well job hence why we spit the time but listening to al of you all that’s ridiculous and can and will have an adverse affect on the child so now we have a week before we spilt from the lease and well I don’t want to give him sole custody we. What do you suggest ? When we both love our so very much. I work and he doesn’t. He has his family they are JW I am not. Ugh
I am not sure I understand what you are asking. Could you please put it in the form of a question? Thanks.
I have a grandson who is now 2 and been going back and forth on joint custody since January.he stays with me the majority of the time and I have no rights when his mother picks him up for her week he screams as if he being kidnapped.ive never seen a child act this way about there mother. It breaks my heart to have to give him to her when he asking begging me to get him. I’m afraid he may be being neglected or worse. And when he is with his father he happy he plays but if I start to leave he wants to go with me . Yet I have no rights. The mother usually doesn’t get the child but maybe a couple of days on her week starting on a Tuesday and Wednesday and then he’s back with me from then on out . The mother started living with her new found boy friend as soon as they Separated and say the child maybe 6 times within 4 months.then the 2 parents get in a disagreement and she makes sure she gets him and he screams and I worry about him so much. It’s out of spite and I’m afraid to try to get custody of child because no matter what’s best for child they side with parents even though the parents aren’t actually raising the child (grandmother is). Don’t really know what to do.
Thank you for your comment. Joint custody is hard on many children. I am sorry your grandson is having a difficult time. You might talk with both parents and ask if they would go to counseling and include you. You might also ask an attorney for advice. Best to you.
I have a 3 1/2 year old step son who goes back and forth with his parents. One parent is organized and like you said, the other not so much. One disciplines more while the other doesn’t. He is starting to lash out and be disrespectful towards me and sometimes other people. He is overall a great kid but going through some stage. He also goes three days here and three days over there. Do you think that is affecting the way he’s acting? Like the inconsistency?
Thanks for your question. In order to know the answer you would have to suggest your step-son be evaluated by someone who specializes in counselling work with children, especially children whose parents have recently been divorced. You might also share your observations with his parents.
I am a child who suffered a great deal due to my parents hatred of each other and their own selfishness. I went back and forth between homes every Wednesday and every other weekend. My dad usually lived at least 30 minutes to an hour and a half away from my mom. We moved many many times. I think I counted once and it was over 36 houses I could rememeber. Both my parents remarried multiple times. This meant new family members, new surroundings, all to be loved and then taken away. My trust in people diminished greatly due to this and I developed deep feelings of abandonment and fear of rejection. I feel joint custody has effected me a great deal emotionally and I am just starting to realize how much it is at the age of 24. My relationships suffer a great deal. I switch from one mood to another and have terrible self esteem.. its incredibly hard for me to make decisions. I question myself a lot. One of my parents was more nurturimg and passive with the rules, my mother, while my father was also passive, but his wives would run the show and each one would have their own different set of rules or way of running things. I honestly don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I wasn’t able to establish an identity or sense of self due to the constant upheaval and moving. There was no consistency. I run away from my problems. Please don’t do this to your children. I am currently taking child growth and development hoping I may learn what will be best for my kids, as I now know what terrible examples I had. I am afraid that I will have learned their bad parenting skills and that I will screw up my kids as well. Here’s to hoping I don’t. No kids yet.
Thank you for writing and sharing your story. I have seen many children who have had the same experience as you. This is why I do not recommend joint custody for any child. I hope you will seek out psychotherapy to help you better understand what has happened to you.
My grandson is 4 and is acting out terribly when he is with his mother. To the point of getting kicked out of head start. The teachers say he is the best kid when he knows he is going to his dad’s. Any suggestions to how to handle that situation?
I am sorry your grandson is upset. I suggest you talk with his parents about getting him some professional counseling help to figure out what is going on.
With all due respect, having grown up as a child in joint custody, it sounds like the mother needs professional counseling, not the grandson. Many of these responses suggest sending the child to a therapist when it’s the adults who are not acting like responsible parents. Generally speaking, divorce is an adult-centric institution which prioritizes the needs of parents at the expense of their children. Unless the adults grew up in a joint custody situation, they will never understand the emotional complexities their children will have to navigate for literally the rest of their lives. The good news: Most kids learn to be resilient, resourceful, and independent, with a healthy distrust of authority. They persist in loving their parents, warts and all.
Thank you for your comment from the point of view of having grown up in joint custody. I recommend therapy for children in these joint custody situations to find out the child’s point of view about what is going on with his or her parents. This way no one jumps to conclusions about how the child sees the situation. Then in family sessions children can let each parent know what their difficulties are with the joint custody arrangement. Then the therapist and child can see if the parent(s) can make the necessary changes to lessen the child’s suffering.
I’m Hymi i have a 3 year old boy we are on custody battle with his father i totalu agree with your point of view that the court is more parent centered. So we have a temporary custody of one week with me one week with his father . He is only 3 but he is always upset he is not happy boy like he used to be what can i do for my boy to keep him happy
Thank you for your comment. I am sorry your boy is suffering. I would suggest taking him to see a child psychiatrist or psychologist who specializes in child custody matters. The professional can figure out what the problem is and if it is caused by the joint living arrangements or by something else. Best of luck.
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I have a granddaughter that goes back and forth between her parents every day of the week then switches between parents on weekends. Teachers, and counselors are saying that it is too much back and forth for a 6 year old.
Her counselor will not make a recommendation to the GAL until she has some hard evidence/research that going back and forth everyday is not good for her. I believe everyone is intimidated by the dad and reluctant to do anything without proof. The parents do not get along and only communicate on My Family Wizard. The father is bitter and will do whatever he can to reduce the time with the mom. The mom works out of her home 20 hours a week is happily married and has a 2 year old son as well, which my granddaughter misses terribly. In the summer the Dad’s sister picks up my granddaughter on his days and takes care of her. She has her own 2 year old son and complains about being overwhelmed. My granddaughter wants to stay with her own mother and brother who are available to take her vs. an aunt that is crabby and tired. When anyone approaches the dad his comments are “don’t tell me how to raise my daughter.” Question: can anyone give me evidence that going back and forth everyday is not in a child’s best interest. I need research vs. opinions. Also the teachers feel my granddaughter has attention deficit disorder and needs as much consistency as possible.
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